


Beside You

by mbaku_gou



Category: Black Panther (2018), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Self-Esteem Issues, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-05-20
Packaged: 2019-05-09 05:20:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14709879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mbaku_gou/pseuds/mbaku_gou
Summary: "It is okay that you are not at your best right now. You will get there in time-" M'Baku gently grazed his teeth over the skin connecting his neck and shoulder blade, a minute moan leaking out of Erik’s sensitive throat."-and when you do, I will be right beside you,"





	Beside You

**Author's Note:**

> fic is inspired by 'beside you' by marianas trench - which is wholly an m'baku/erik song in my heart and it makes me emotional :')

 

_When your tears are spent on your last pretense_   
_And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense_   
_When it's in your spine like you've walked for miles_   
_And the only thing you want is just to be still for a while_

_-_

If there were any words to describe just overwhelmed Erik was in this moment, he would love to know what they were.

He was exasperated, livid, desperate. His blood boiled, lungs rapidly filling with wet concrete. Shallow breathes escaped like ragged cloth, skin like molten lava. Sweat trickled down the sides of his face, meeting at the bottom of his chin to travel down his neck. He wiped at the sweat along his hairline, a sense of bewilderment covering his features. He didn’t understand how he could feel the motions of his hand but not feel any sort of temperature difference between the two. Erik’s chest continued to heave as he gasped for breath through parted lips, examining his hand with furrowed brows. Clutching at his chest, his gasps for fresh air seared his insides. He was desperate to clear the debris in his lungs, it felt as if he could only hope for a miracle now. Lowering himself onto his bed, he struck his cheeks with his hands as hard as he could, only experiencing a slight satisfaction at the burn of the contact, the short explosion of sound that came with it. The temperature of both was the exact same, he noted. He felt so disgusting, so corrupt. He felt nothing less than extreme exhaustion, his own thoughts and emotions crushing his spine. God, how stupid was he? He was in a rage-induced panic attack all from a single sparring session with a royal Jabari guard. Erik let out an exaggerated groan, his hands sliding down his slick cheeks as he looked at the ceiling, silent tears prodding at his fingertips and going underneath his fingernails. God, how he loathed himself. How could he let himself become so frail? How could be let himself become so disoriented?

So useless?

So insignificant.

His self-loathing clogged the atmosphere around him. He stood, shirt coming off and being thrown onto the bed in one fluid motion. Heavy-heeled steps led him to the bathroom as he snarled under his breath.

“Fuck!” He let out an agitated shout as he struck the door frame with an open palm, gritting his teeth. He didn’t bother to close the door behind him as he turned the shower on and removed the rest of his clothes with sweaty hands. His eyes slipped shut as the sound of his own breath and water hitting tile became white noise. He remembered the events prior to him entering his bedroom.

 _It’s mine for now, at least._ Warmth saturated Erik’s skin and muscles as he stepped into the shower. He really wasn't sure how long he would be here. The water ran cold against his temperamental skin and even colder against his face as if his face had been smothered in the snow just outside. M'Baku's touch lingered heavy on his shoulder, his presence thick behind Erik. He almost lifted his hand to reach back and touch M’Baku’s.

 _He isn’t here, stupid._ Erik began scrubbing at his arms and chest, appreciating the chill his cheeks held.

It had all been an accident; his rage, his outbursts. He hadn’t meant to lash out at M’Baku the way he did. He had arrived in J'Abariland about a month ago as a proposal M’Baku introduced to T’Challa. To bring him to J’Abariland to work and perform manual labor with constant supervision by him and his guard.

-

_“We could put him to use,” M’Baku proclaimed, clapping a sturdy hand onto Erik’s shoulder. He was examined from head to toe by M’Baku; he felt the other’s fingertips dig into his skin. Sparks ran across his skin._

_“Yes, he will do great,” Erik rolled his eye and huffed under his breath._

_“Why let him rot in a prison cell when he could be put to good use?” M’Baku’s hand moved to cup the back of his neck, sending a shiver down Erik’s spine. T’Challa eyed the two apprehensively, more him than M’Baku, doubt apparent in his expression. Erik felt his insides seize as he saw T’Challa’s thinking process reflect in his eyes. He would do anything, and he meant anything to get out of staying in this godforsaken castle and under T’Challa’s rule. Even if it meant giving his body up, he would do it without hesitation._

_“I expect weekly reports on his behavior and a list of the tasks you have him complete,”_

_“Done,”_

_“Then he is all yours, M’Baku,” T’Challa smiled at M’Baku as he shifted in his throne, M’Baku returning a smile just as bright. Erik hated how he could feel the pleasure in both of their smiles at the decision. Like he was a problem finally solved and dismissed. Disgusting._

_-_

What a shame that Erik fucked that all up. He was certain T’Challa and the Dora Milaje would be coming to pick him up at any time today.

All it took was one fight. One measly sparring session with one of the guards for him to snap. No matter how many hits he landed, or how many moves he deflected, he just could not get the upper hand. The longer the fight went, the more outraged Erik became. It ended with a yield on his end, hating himself for being so brittle, so frail. He shoved the guard off him and into the wall behind them with a furious roar. He considered attacking the guard, hitting him with all he had. He stood up before he could make that move with his chest heaving.

 _Thank God for that._ Erik squeezed his eyes shut, hissing through gritted teeth as he adjusted his stance, moving his thigh away from the showerhead as he took notice to a particularly large bruise blossoming on his upper thigh. Erik felt the thud of footsteps as M'Baku and his head guards entered the room. He glanced over his shoulder to M’Baku, his teeth were gritted, unbridled rage in his expression. He was furious.

-

_"N'Jadaka," M'Baku spoke with caution as he stepped towards him slowly, a concerned expression on his features. His guards stood on both sides of the door, weapons down but ready to use as if Erik were unstable, ready to blow at any moment. M’Baku placed a sympathetic hand onto Erik's shoulder from behind, fingers pressing into the muscle as a means for comfort. Erik noticed M’Baku raise a hand to his guards to stand down. He knew M’Baku meant well, but his actions only angered Erik more._

_"For the last fucking time, my name is Erik!" Erik was seething as he harshly shoved M'Baku's hand off his shoulder, storming out of the sparring room. He spooked one of the guards as he landed a particularly rough punch to the doorframe, the crack of wood underneath his knuckles barely registering with the steam that flooded out of his ears._

_-_

_Shit, I forgot about that._ Erik closely examined a closed fist, guiltily biting the skin on his bottom lip. There were a few scratches here and there, a minuscule bruise on the knuckle of his pinkie; thankfully, no splinters were in his skin. He wondered why he hadn’t wrapped his hands beforehand. He shrugged, content with not having an answer. He questioned himself, trying to find out why the fuck he went and treated M’Baku the way he had. M’Baku has been doing nothing but supporting and appreciating him, welcoming him to his homeland with no hesitation. Hell, T’Challa was more hesitant than M’Baku. Syrupy remorse poured through his bloodstream. Water dripped from his dreads and down his cheeks, resembling the feeling of tears. Those were his tears, actually. He didn’t bother to wipe at them.

"Erik?" M'Baku's voice was mellow as he spoke. Erik jumped and sputtered as a sharp inhale brought water directly into his nose. Coughing harshly, he just about lost his footing, too, had it not been for M'Baku securing him from behind, husky arms around Erik’s waist. "Man, you scared the shit outta me!" The inside of his nostrils burned as he worked to regain his breath. Erik wiped at his irritated nose as he glanced back to M’Baku.

"My apologies, my love," M'Baku pressed a kiss to the top of Erik's spine, hands delicately squeezing at Erik's curves. Silence rose like steam between the both of them, the spray of water hitting the floor becoming a white noise to Erik once again.

"If anything, I should be apologizing to you," Erik's lungs closed up on him as he murmured his thoughts aloud. M'Baku hummed in encouragement as he pressed velvet kisses up the back of Erik's neck, lips never losing contact with honeyed skin.

"What I did earlier, how I treated you, it was uncalled for. It...it wasn’t right," His voice was uncharacteristically soft as it crackled in his throat. He hated it.

"You didn't deserve that," Erik gave up on standing on his own and caved into the larger man behind him, shoulders slumping in defeat as he leaned back into M'Baku's broad chest. His eyes were downcast, examining the fist that collided with the doorframe once again. A surprised gasp escaped his lips when M'Baku's hand covered his own. His hands were so powerful and durable; they held so much definition. God, he absolutely loved the sheer power that came just from a glance towards M'Baku. The intense shudder that ran up his spine when the other was around him was like no other. He treasured his lover’s strength, his build, the sculpt of his muscles. He wished he could look the same as his lover sometimes. Although, there were times he wished he held the same strength and appearance as his lover. He hated feeling that. One thing that Erik hated the most was the inferiority he felt around M'Baku, his love, his equal. At times he yearned that he was that strong, that bulky. He loathed the nights where his jealously kept him up at night. He detested that much of his self-esteem was rooted in a physique that matched his abilities. A sinewy sigh dragged out of his lips as M'Baku pressed his own to the shell of Erik's ear, rocking the both of them ever so slightly.

"M'Baku, I-" his words hitched in his throat. He almost didn't have the courage to say it out loud. He immensely feared he would start to sob.

"I don’t feel strong or capable of anything, anymore," His shoulders shook as a sob was ripped out of his raw throat.

"I know that’s a reach, and I know I have the power and the capabilities, I just- god, I couldn't even take one of your men on! Sparring with me must have been like steppin' on a tiny bug! M'Baku, I feel weak, useless even, and I-" Erik stuttered as he spoke, attempting to inhale through his nose when he was finished.

"I-I have no fucking idea what to do," he squeezed his eyes shut as fresh tears rolled down his cheeks, shoulders shaking as he whimpered as silently as he could.

"Erik," M'Baku cooed, kissing at his jawline in hopes of soaking up the tears that fell.

"You are still not fully healed. It's like you have forgotten the past few months," Erik scoffed with a sound of disgust as he wiped at his puffy eyes. M'Baku's scratchy chin rested on his shoulder, his tone gentle and stern all in one. Erik had no idea how this towering gorilla of a man was even capable of such a tone.

"Oh, I remember," he quietly sneered.

"It is okay that you are not at your best right now. You will get there in time-" M'Baku gently grazed his teeth over the skin connecting his neck and shoulder blade, a minute moan leaking out of Erik’s sensitive throat.

"-and when you do, I will be right beside you,"

"Yeah," Erik mumbled, the sound of water hitting the floor pounding in his ears. He hated playing the waiting game, he wished he didn't have to. He honestly wished he wasn't even here at all, that way he wouldn't have to deal with any of this anymore. He pondered on the fact that it only took him and M’Baku a few months to get to where they currently were. Then again, they both felt their emotions with every ounce of their weight. They both felt what they felt, and they sure as hell wouldn’t have let it slip through their fingers.

A shift in his mindset and suddenly the showerhead was spraying his volatile insecurities directly onto him, dissolving his skin like acid. He could feel his muscles and bones being exposed. M'Baku feathered a calloused thumb over the thick scar that ran over Erik's lower right side from his fight with T'Challa. Erik flinched in his embrace, breath freezing in his chest. He didn’t move to stop M’Baku’s hand as he usually did. The kisses M'Baku placed over the side of his neck evaporated as soon as they were placed. Was the water even on anymore? Had it been turned off? Something slick harshly peppered his skin. Currently, Erik wasn't even sure what was real and what wasn't. He knew he was in the shower, and he knew M’Baku was behind him and yet, he wasn’t sure. He was filled with doubt. He felt as if he were disintegrating, turning into dust and moving onto a completely different plane of existence; watching, waiting. He felt nothing and everything all at once. He felt himself shift as he sank into his spine, his vision beginning to blur. Erik knew where he was going, he had been there before. He’d been there plenty of times throughout his time growing up when everything just became too much to handle. He could stay there for hours, sometimes even days. Days where he would be absolutely numb, absent from himself and the world around him. Erik saw himself move to grasp at M'Baku's hand with a sense of urgency as he hooked his fingers in between the others to ground him in some way. He knew that if he didn’t hold onto M’Baku, there was no telling how long he would be gone.

He hated feeling this way. He felt so unnecessary, so small. No matter what he did or what M'Baku told him (or how often M’Baku told him) - he constantly felt as if he were a thousand steps behind. Everything was moving so fast; where was he? He was right in the center of it all, dumbfounded at how easily life could carry on without him. He wished there was a pause button somewhere that he could press, even if just for a moment so he could catch his breath. He regularly scrambled to find it, never having any luck no matter how hard he wished for it. M'Baku had mentioned it had been a few months already but had it really? It felt like this all occurred just an hour ago, perhaps two years ago, maybe even three days prior; he just wasn't sure anymore. Erik felt attentive hands caressed his ragged skin. He was beginning to feel again, that was a good sign. The cold lather of soap was warmed as M'Baku spent time carefully cleansing and massaging the different parts of Erik's anatomy, spending a few extra moments attending to the right side of his hip. M'Baku's hands traveled down to the crevasse between Erik's thighs and penis. Erik let out a surprised gasp, jolting into his touch. His fingers softly glided back and forth over the sensitive skin, Erik progressively relaxing into the motion. His eyes slipped shut as he let his head fall back onto M’Baku's shoulder, any tension in his expression gone. M'Baku moved to caress Erik's member, softly cleaning its’ underneath.

"Welcome back," Erik gave a satisfied moan as M'Baku's fully pressed his lips to his lover's cheek, his hands moving to lather his thighs. M'Baku's eloquent hands avoided the large bruise Erik sported on the outside of his right thigh.

"N'Jadaka-"

"Erik,"

"Erik," M'Baku apologized with a kiss to his temple.

"As time passes, you will recover and regain your strength. It won't be the same strength you had before, however," Out of his peripherals, Erik took notice as M’Baku re-lathered his hands with the bar of soap before continuing his actions.

"What do you mean?" he quirked an eyebrow as M'Baku's words processed. He felt the strongest of the shower spray on his thighs and knees. He wondered when M'Baku had moved the showerhead, thankful the water wasn’t directly on the bruise his thigh sported.

"What I mean is-" M'Baku resumed in massaging the general area around his healing stab wound, touch relaxing when he felt Erik wince.

"-you are not the same person as you were when you first arrived in Wakanda, correct?" a cautious thumb ran over his scar once again.

"Yeah, I guess."

"That shows you have grown, Erik,"

"How so?" Goosebumps erupted on Erik's back at the loss of skin-to-skin contact as he moved to turn around to face M'Baku. He sighed as he was immediately warmed once again by their chests pressed together. M'Baku's soapy hands roamed over Erik's back now, paying attention to each individual bump his fingers ran over.

 _How did he manage to inflict **these** scars upon himself?_ M'Baku wondered silently as a laugh rumbled in his throat as he prepared an answer.

"You accepted the fact that you will be given a punishment for your actions,"

"Well, yeah,"

"You willingly agreed to stay with me and come to my home in which you had no idea existed,"

"Yeah?"

"Here we are right now, in the shower-"

"Man, what does that have to do with anything?" Erik swatted at M'Baku's shoulder, a small smile gracing his features despite his confusion. The laugh that fell from M'Baku's mouth was nothing short of pure music to Erik's ears. It had honestly reminded him of when his father used to laugh at his corny jokes when he was young. He had always loved his father's laugh, just as he loves M'Baku's laugh now.

"Before you met T'Challa, before you arrived at the border, would you have done any of these things?" For once, Erik didn't have the answer on his tongue. The pads of Erik's fingers dug into M'Baku's upper arms as his eyebrows furrowed in thought. M'Baku's hands rested on the small of his back, his own fingers mimicking Erik's.

"I guess not," he said cautiously, worrying the tip of his tongue between his front teeth. He looked up to M'Baku, a huff coming out of his nose with a slight tilt of his head. It took every ounce of M'Baku's being not to laugh. it wouldn't have been in a hostile manner by any means. By Hanuman, was Erik's expression one of the most precious he had ever seen.

"You are a different you than you were before. That is where your newfound strength will come from, yeah?" M'Baku released a pleased hum, the pad of his thumb resting on Erik's bottom lip. He used his fingernail to poke the tip of Erik's tongue, in which the other responded by biting his thumb. Their foreheads met and melted to one another like wax as they both erupted into a fit of laughter. Erik snaked his arms around M'Baku's neck pulling him close, softly rocking them both. M'Baku reached behind Erik to turn the water off, the same arm reaching outside of the shower to grab one of his own enormous, fluffy, white towels to shield Erik with as he knew the heat from the shower would disperse quickly. He pulled away from Erik to wrap the heavyset towel around him, tilting his head as he adjusted the towel like it were a royal garment. 

"Damn, this is soft," Erik brought a corner of it up to cover his chin and mouth as his eyes met M'Baku's, his smile still apparent behind the fabric. Part of the towel was wrapped around Erik’s head like a hood. M’Baku and Erik's eyes alike held unbridled love as they gazed at one another.

"I am glad it fits your needs, my love," M'Baku pushed the shower curtain out of the way and without warning or hesitation, he swiped Erik up into his arms, carrying him out of the shower in a bridal-type fashion.

"M'Baku-!" Erik was completely flabbergasted by M'Baku's actions as much as he was in absolute awe over how he was using his height and build to his advantage. M'Baku let out a boisterous laugh as he flung the thick comforters open with one arm, ceremoniously setting Erik on the bed right after. "You’re still naked," Erik mumbled, heat rising to his cheeks as his eyes scanned over the other. He had forgotten that M'Baku was essentially made for this climate and that he could stand to be fully nude in the snow and ice. Still, it surprised him every time.

"Is that a problem, my love?" A toothy grin was sent his way and Erik couldn't stop himself from smiling back. M'Baku made his way to Erik and his pillow-like lips connected them both in a full kiss, both cupping the other's face with their hands in sync. It had become their version of actions speaking louder than words. M'Baku pulled away from the kiss, his thumbs running over Erik's cheeks with nothing less than pure admiration and love in his eyes. Neither wanted to pull away even though Erik's dresser was only a few steps behind M'Baku.

"I ain't goin' anywhere, my love," Erik gave a signature smile, M’Baku grinning back. He hardly used the nickname but knew in this moment, the time was right. He tapped his index finger on the tip of M'Baku's nose to motivate the other to move towards the dresser. Neither of their large grins left their faces as M'Baku hurried to the dresser and tossed a pair of velvety pajamas Erik's way while stepping into a pair of thin, cotton pajama bottoms of his own. It was like magnets colliding as M'Baku returned to Erik's side, Erik immediately hugging M'Baku close as the larger man joined him underneath the covers. M'Baku responded by hugging him even closer, pulling the comforter up to just under Erik’s chin, the way he liked it. Erik nuzzled his head under M'Baku's chin.

“Know that when your heart wears thin, I will hold you up,” M'Baku began drawing patterns into the small of Erik's back with one of his hands.

“And when it all becomes too much, I will hide and protect you,” M’Baku protectively clasped his other hand over Erik’s hip.

“Nobody will break you,” M’Baku moved to kiss Erik’s forehead, the kiss lingering even after he pulled away. The tip of his nose touched where his lips had just been.

"I hope you know that I love you, M'Baku," Sleep was heavy in Erik's voice as he placed a kiss on M'Baku's Adam's Apple. M’Baku was at loss for words, this was the first time these words those three specific words had been said.

"I love you too, Erik," Erik snored lightly in M'Baku's arms as he whispered in Erik's ear, kissing the top of it.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you so much for reading! please leave kudos and/or comments and validate my gay ass
> 
> <3


End file.
